


Promise?

by beeboba



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, References to Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-12 21:54:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28517466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beeboba/pseuds/beeboba
Summary: In which Tommy struggles with his thoughts
Comments: 8
Kudos: 161





	Promise?

Tommy wishes his brain would give him a break. 

His head is full of thoughts he desperately wants to ignore. He wishes he was strong enough to push them out and _keep_ them out but every time he tries, they seem to find their way back as a fog. They quite like to criticize everything he does, a constant feedback that he never even asked for. They're ever looming, their shadows rest within the darkest parts of his mind even in his lightest moments. He tries his best to shut them out, truly. 

In all honesty, he had no real reason to believe any of the things his mind was telling him. He had accomplished so much in such a short amount of time; his fanbase had grown at an insane rate in only a couple of months. Not only that, he managed to become close friends with people he looked up to for years. 

_It's not like they like you anyways. You forced yourself into their friendship._

He sighs at the thought. It wasn't true. It wasn't; he repeated it in his mind until he held a watered-down version of belief. The words won't hold weight if he doesn't let them, he decides. His mouse hovers over the "connect" button in the server he's in. Wilbur, Techno and Philza were in the call- they were probably waiting on him to start the stream. Weirdly, he feels as though he'd be intruding if he were to join now. Maybe they're sat in call almost hoping that Tommy wouldn't join them. He doesn't entirely blame them, it's so peaceful when he's not there. He feels strong enough to push those thoughts away, joining the call with an energy he hoped would disguise his sour mood.

Why were all of his hopes in vain?

\---

The stream starts off as fine, it always does. Something about Tommy seeing just how many people cared about him in real time brightening his mood, as conceited as it sounds. They had been doing a 100 players stream, which meant that he wasn't the one who actually had to stream. Tommy was grateful because it meant he didn't have to have his facecam on; he knew that he had looked like proper shit right about now. Below his eyes were noticeable eyebags from the amount of nights he stayed up because of his thoughts. His face held an expression that he just _knew_ people would take pity on. He didn't like that, he didn't need thousands of strangers' pity. He was glad that Wilbur, Techno and Philza were able to fill the silence with their charming personalities and lively comments about what all the players had been doing. Tommy had given the excuse early on that he was just tired because he had college earlier that day. If anyone noticed something off with him, they didn't point it out. 

_They didn't care._

Tommy stops what he was doing the moment the bitter thought crosses his mind. It's not true, he knows that they care. He's on this stream for a reason. Maybe they only hang out with him because they feel bad. Maybe in their eyes, he's this kid with a dream that's unachievable if they don't step in and help him. Maybe, they've all already decided that they're better off withou-

"ommy! Tommy!" Wilbur shouts at him through the call.

"Sorry what?" Tommy says, coming out of his daze sounding awfully sheepish.

"Were you even listening to me?" he asks, sounding annoyed. His tone is sharp and Tommy feels a pang in his chest for being the cause of that. 

"Sorry Wilbur, too busy looking at all the women," he jokes, feeling as though it was awfully misplaced.

"Oh my god, shut up Tommy," Wilbur says, teleporting Tommy's Minecraft character to his. Normally, he'd give a quip back- bickering like this was just part of who they were. He couldn't tell whether or not he was joking, was the thing. Had he really been annoying? He tried to be less tiresome for this stream. He had been so, _so_ quiet. So why did everyone want him to shut up still? Did they even want him here in the first place? 

It's not long before he becomes too brash for them for the second time, a bit too himself. 

"Shut the fuck up Tommy, you're so fucking annoying" Wilbur says with someone else in the call humming in agreement, Tommy couldn't tell who it was anymore. It sounds serious. Was he joking this time? Tommy lets out one of his iconic loud laughs after it, pretending that it didn't hurt.

"Sorry! Sorry mum!" he fakes his mom calling for him, "I'll be right back guys," he says before deafening and sitting back in his chair. The start of tears burns his eyes. God, had he really been that sensitive lately? Over a joke? He tabs into Wilbur's stream and watches how much happier he looked when it was just him, Techno and Philza. 

Wilbur, with his naturally charming personality, acting as a sort of leading for the other two in this stream. Techno, with his chaos and jokes that had always been hilarious. And Philza with his calming air that seemed to surround him, allowing the stream to not get entirely swamped in disorder. They always worked well together. Why couldn't Tommy be like that? 

If a few tears escape from his eyes, he doesn't mention it.

_They wouldn't care._

\---

When Tommy wakes up the next morning, he's met with an overwhelming sense of exhaustion. It weighs down on his entire body. His thoughts are fuzzy, he has no idea why he's feeling like this. He can't let his fatigue stop his plans, he decides, forcing himself to get up and face the day. He shakes off the impenetrable longing to just curl up under his comforter and shut out the world and walks to get water. He has to get things done today, it was an editing day. Normally, he looked forward to spending a majority of the day on call with Tubbo, he liked days where they could just talk about anything and everything. The water does nothing to soothe his throat, the glass feeling unusually heavy in his hand. His room is a wreck, clothes thrown on the floor and dishes cluttered the space on his desk. His bed looks welcoming compared to the mess. He knows he has to finish a video today, he can't disappoint his fans. 

_But it would be so easy._

He could just close his eyes and forget about it all. Forget how annoying he was to the people he looked up to, to Wilbur. Forget how he'll never compare to his idols, his efforts would remain fruitless. Forget how he doesn't want to wake up again, everything was too overwhelming. 

He's just sick. That's why he's tired, he decides as he lays down on his bed, mindlessly scrolling through Reddit. He'll get better soon, he just needs to sleep. The lies do nothing to calm his brain but he really just wants to rest. He has to tweet something out, to at least let his fans know of his planned absence so he doesn't have to deal with being bombarded with where he is.

**_TommyInnit -_ **

**_Taking a short break_ **

He closes his eyes for real this time, clearing the notifications he got.

\---

Tommy wonders if he's allowed to be upset no one's reached out to him. It's been a little over a week since anyone has heard from him. Bitterly, he ponders how much longer he'd have to go before his friends would notice. He would like to think they care but he's been given every sign that points to the opposite direction. 

Maybe his thoughts were right. 

His friends were probably glad he was gone. At least now he isn't bothering them with his presence. He feels perfectly content to just stay as far away from them as possible. Staying away didn't come as easy as he wished it did, he thinks when he finds himself tuning into one of Tubbo's streams. He's on the Dream SMP with a few others, Tommy couldn't pay attention to the voices; they all melted together in his head. But he can notice that he was happy, his voice laced with honey and his eyes seemed to light up with every joke that was told. The laughter that Tommy was all too familiar with was playing on repeat as if it was a broken record. The personalities of the others in the call seemed to mesh well together with Tubbo's. They were bouncing off one another, silence rarely filling the stream and Tommy could see why he's garnered over a hundred thousand viewers. It was nice, just sitting back and watching his stream for once. If he closed his eyes he could pretend that it was him in the discord call. Tommy's always been good at pretending. It doesn't last for long though, eventually he has to open his eyes and see what was really there. 

_He doesn't act like that with me._

And it's true, isn't it? Tubbo wouldn't make those kinds of jokes around him, at least he doesn't think so. Tommy always used to shut him down even if it wasn't intentional. He was quieter around him, he's realized this. He's less himself around Tommy. Tommy took up too much space for them both to shine. Unlike Tommy, Tubbo deserved every ounce of support he has; he's worked so hard and Tommy's so proud of how far he's come. It's just- maybe he really _would_ be better off without him. Tommy hadn't even bothered to message Tubbo, far too caught up in his own problems. Guilt twinges somewhere deep inside his gut, and he hardly notices the chat scroll by with messages. 

**isab3ll3: tommy's here?**

**vinecar: add Tommy to the call!**

**eggmuncher06: @Tommyinnit**

Tommy watches as Tubbo's eyes move to his second monitor, watches as he tries to read the chat. 

Tubbo's smile falters. 

It's all Tommy needs to close his tab. He shuts out the world with it too. 

\---

It only takes three more days for someone to reach out to him. It's late in the night, the sky was an alluring shade of dark blue, its shadows cast over the street he was currently walking by. The only things illuminating his journey were the street lights that were dim and on the verge of burning out. His breath came out in small puffs that he could see. He vaguely thinks that he should have brought a jacket before he went out, but he ignores it. He had gone on this walk to clear his head and despite the cold he found it rather peaceful. The rhythmic sound of his shoes hitting the pavement but his mind to rest, if even just for a little bit. He _knows_ that he shouldn't be out this late all alone. This part of his town was known for being dangerous. He just can't find it in him to care what happens to him. He's just tired. At least the cold keeps him feeling alive, keeps his body fighting when the rest of him can't be bothered. 

He doesn't remember walking here. His thoughts recently had been blurred, the street signs blended together and suddenly he's standing at the bridge he used to visit when he was little. The red paint on the railings was chipped and worn, Tommy steps forward to grab onto it. He glances down into the murky waters as his hands shake- he can't tell if it's from the cold anymore. He looks away from the water because of a sound of a notification.

**_Incoming call from Wilbur Soot._ **

Tommy works to wipe away the water on his phone. Since when was it raining? He hesitates before accepting the call. 

"Tommy?" Wilbur's voice cuts through his headphones, no discernable emotion within the word.

"Hellooo Wilbur," he says, trying his best to sound like himself. 

"How are you, man? No one has heard from you in weeks," Wilbur says. He sounds oddly hurt. 

"I've just been..." he trails off, glancing up from his phone to watch the water rushing around. "busy lately, sorry 'bout that," he finishes with a laugh that sounds awfully fake. He cringes and hopes that Wilbur doesn't notice. 

"Where are you?" Wilbur says, suddenly sounding a bit on edge. 

"Wha-"

"Your mic's all crackly," he lets out a soft laugh, "What are you outside?" He asks, tone even. 

"I'm on the bridge, I wanted to go for a walk," Tommy says before he knew he was speaking. Wilbur goes silent on the other end of the call.

"Tommy are you okay?" He asks, this time voice void of all teasing. It's soft for once and Tommy feels the sudden urge to cry because of it. 

"I'm just so tired," he says. His voice shakes like his hands as he goes to the end call. He hates being seen like this, Wilbur shouldn't have to deal with his problems. His eyes trail back to the railing, he just wants to sleep. He knows that he should message Wilbur and make up an excuse about how his hotspot wasn't working, make it so he wasn't worried but he was frozen in place. His eyes don't leave the rocks that the water crashed against. He briefly wonders how long he'd been out when notices the shade of red his hands have become. He lets his body slump down against the metal bars, he wonders if anyone cared he was out this late. He hadn't even gotten a text from his parents. 

_Maybe they would all be glad if he left._

"Tommy!" A familiar voice cuts through the silence followed by the sound of a car door slam. He quickly looks up to see Wilbur walking towards him, concern clouding his features. Tommy doesn't talk, he can't find his voice. Why was Wilbur here? He watches as he walks towards him, leaving about five feet between them. 

"Wilbur," he finally whispers. 

"Tommy! What on Earth are you thinking man? You have all these people who care about you,"

"I wasn't planning on doing anything! I was just..." he trails off, not knowing how to defend himself in this situation. It felt like no matter what he did, Wilbur would always be able to see through him.

"Thinking."

"Do you have any idea how worried I was?" Wilbur questions, his voice heightening to match his annoyance for the younger boy.

"I'm sorry," Tommy mumbled out, refusing to meet his eyes.

"No Tommy- that's not- I'm not mad at you," Wilbur says, Tommy finds it hard to believe. He walks towards the blonde and reaches out to hug him. Tommy shrinks away from the contact and Wilbur lets out a sigh knowing he's not going to get anything more out of the boy.

"Let's just go to the car, Toms," he says, sounding defeated. The walk is silent save for the crunching of fallen leaves beneath their shoes and the last stray raindrops from the storm. It's so painfully awkward in Tommy's eyes, he wishes that he didn't have to burden Wilbur by making him come and get him.

He wishes Wilbur didn't stop him.

He pushes the thought away trying to focus on his surroundings; Wilbur was talking to him again.

"I just- we all care about you so much, you know that right? I mea-"

"Why?" Tommy cuts him off, voice coming out as a whisper- one that he could barely hear himself. He feels numb right now.

"What?" Wilbur's voice comes out as confused, he must've not heard him. 

Tommy looks up from the car floor. "Why do you?" He sounds bitter.

"Tommy..." Wilbur starts, voice coated in sugar. It somehow makes Tommy all the more upset- it's his breaking point.

"Because- I get it, I'm annoying. And I'm loud, and none of you actually care about me so you can't stop fucking acting like it," he says, voice breaking. He doesn't even care about the tears running down his face, he tries to tell himself, as he stubbornly tries to not seem weak. Not in front of Wilbur at least. The car comes to a stop and Wilbur turns around to face him. Tommy can tell he looks a wreck, his skin red from the cold and tears stained his cheeks. He hated how Wilbur had to see him like this. 

"Tommy listen to me when I tell you that we _do_ care about you. You're so insanely bright and hilarious for your age. I honestly don't know what I'd do with myself if you were gone," he says tears lining his eyes, "You scared me so bad when I saw where you were. Tommy why didn't you say anything?"

"I don't know," he says, because it's the truth. He hadn't realized that he was actually something to people.

Wilbur reaches into the backseat for a hug, and Tommy can't help but cry even harder into his back. It was safe, and warm and Tommy could feel a tug at his heart. He'd been yearning for this, for someone to care enough about him to do something like this. To save him from himself, as bad as it sounds. Wilbur pulls back from the hug, eyes still trained on the younger boy with an ardent look on his face. 

"Tommy, you need to promise me that you'll get better. I don't want you feeling like this. You can come to me about anything, you know that right?" 

Tommy felt a grin break out onto his face. He couldn't break a promise, not to Wil at least. 

"I promise."

**Author's Note:**

> first post on ao3! hope you guys enjoy, and hope you all have a lovely 2021! kudos and comments are always appreciated :D


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